It is said that women can't read maps and men can't ask for directions. Not true. The real problem, in my experience, is communicating instructions, especially when geography {a cruel and devious science} is involved. This morning I gave my beloved a lift to the market, where he was helping at a charity stall. Now, I don't like parking at the best of times, but when the market's being set up it's full of large van men and council stewards, and they were all watching me. So it didn't help my composure when my companion told me to 'park in front of that red van'. To me, 'in front of' when referring to a vehicle means the pointy bit with the headlights on it. However, this particular vehicle was sticking out at right angles to the stalls and if I'd parked in front of it I'd have undoubtedly caused great distress to its owner, to say nothing of blocking the road. Since I was approaching the van sideways on, my only practical options were to park before it or after it, and since, 'in front of' clearly means 'before', as in, "Is this a red van that I see before me?" I attempted to pull in before I reached it. Apparently though, if you're the type of person who likes to approach life more cautiously, you have a mental image of sneaking up on obstacles from behind, so 'in front of' means 'the other side from where you are now'. But after I'd swerved and got to the other side of it there was no room to park anyway, so I had to turn round in a very confined space {accompanied by much shaking of heads and in-drawing of breath from the spectators} and go back to where I'd wanted to stop in the first place.
'Where's
your stall?' I asked. 'Over there,' he replied, 'behind that white van'.
This was better. Although we were coming at it from the side, the white
van was parallel to the stalls and had its back to us. Sadly, the fact
that there was an empty stall close to the rear end of the van lulled me into a
false sense of complacency. 'No, not here', he said. 'Over there'.
He pointed to the next line of stalls which, given our direction of travel
could, I suppose, have been described as 'behind the van', but from the van
driver's point of view would have been on the left-hand side. This, I
admit, would have been a clumsy description, and we would have actually hit the
van before I'd worked out where I was supposed to be going.
The solution
is, I believe, to revert to the practice of our ancient ancestors and refer to
all positions according to global directions. I'd have had no problem at
all with 'park to the south of the van'. Except, of course, there wasn't
room.
